厦门朗阁>资讯>朗阁动态>【朗阁教育】雅思考官精批高分习作!内附考官详细点评及评分细则

【朗阁教育】雅思考官精批高分习作!内附考官详细点评及评分细则

  • 来源:朗阁教育
  • 2018/1/22 11:38:02
  • 编辑:朗阁教育

雅思考官精批高分习作

坚信,雅思写作提升之道,其中要义之一,在于解析考官范文并做针对性地道语料积淀。并在形成写作规范后精练精批。
以下是一篇个人习作,交由官方考官精批后的剖析与自省。官方评分8分。
 
其中优劣,有则改之,无则加勉。
 
题目:Pressure on school and university students is increasing and students are pushed to study hard when they are young. Do you think it is a positive or a negative development?
Introduction
Today,school and university students are under heavy academic pressure and many of them are forced to studyhard at an early age.
 
考官批注:collocation: heavy pressure - use “intense pressure”
 
反省分析: 
考官对于考生的词汇选择是有倾向性(preference)的!用heavy来修饰pressure是绝对可以的。但考官还是认为应该用intense pressure。“heavy pressure”不是他作为一个native speaker首先会想到的第一选择,所以完全有可能在词汇(Lexical Resource)这个部分扣你的分。
 
In my opinion, it is a negative development in general.
 
考官批注:why use this phrase?
 
反省分析: 
Chinese English的错误:我们在中文里经常听到有人说“XX总体来说还是一个好同志”,但仔细一想,在英语当中诸位有听过哪位英美人士说”I think Tom is a good guy IN GENERAL”吗?
改写成:To my knowledge, although forced study may benefit students academically, it is likely to bring more negative effect.
 
Body 
Admittedly,there can be benefits of such ‘forced study’. To be more specific, most students are likely to have improved academic performances. Forced study does work in keeping young students away from distractions such as video games or comic books and forcing them to spend more time concentrating on studies. As aresult, most students are indeed more likely to get higher scores in exams.
 
分析: 本段为让步段,考官未标注任何问题。说明各位完全可以放心大胆的按照此段的结构来写让步段。
 
Despite the benefit,potential problems should not be neglected.First of all, forced study is likely to result in psychological problems to students.
 
 
考官批注:paraphrase this
 
反省分析: 
上一段已经有过用forced study开头的句子了,因此从语言的多样性考虑,考官要求我把这里的forced study替换掉。因此这里我把主语改成了’forcing young students to study’.对于有高分需求的考生,需要考虑此点。
 
Forcing young students, who are mentally fragile in general, to study hard imposes much pressure on them. Sometimes students find the pressure so overwhelming that some of them may simply collapse or even commit suicide in the face of it.
 
考官批注:excellentsentences and lexical resources
 
反省分析: 
红色标出的句子被考官表扬了。这样的句子也非常适合雅思写作以7分为目标的同学模仿。想知道作文7分句子要写成什么样?就是这样的!
 
Moreover, the practice may also deteriorate students’ practical skills.
 
 
考官批注:①pushing students too hard
②Such as? Give examples because this is unclear.
 
反省分析: 
practice为什么不可以用?仔细一看英文解释看出问题来了:A wayof doing sth that is the USUAL or expected way in a particular organization orsituation. 所以确切来说practice应该指针对某种情况通常的做法,但本文讨论的逼迫学生从小拼命学习显然并不是一个非常usual的做法。
 
反省分析: 
 
Practical skills原本在我的理解当中就是“动手能力”的意思。考官为何说“thisis unclear”呢?原来在英语当中practical skills是一个包含了很多个子集的非常笼统的概念。
具体而言,类似于下面的句子一律禁止:
…… is beneficial for the development of the society.(具体社会的哪方面发展了?经济还是文化还是科技?)
 
As is known, the improvement of one’s practicalskills is solely based on much time of practice.
 
 
考官批注:time devoted to practice
 
反省分析: 中式英语
 
However, when students are forced to spend theirtime studying all day, they are actually deprived of the opportunities toparticipate in practical work.
 
考官批注:what do you mean? give some examples/expand your point
 
反省分析: 
跟上面一样,practical work同样是一个包含了无数子集的笼统概念。
 
As a result, many students become ‘nerds’ who may even be unable to do any housework at all.
 
 
考官批注:you’ll need to explain what this term means as it’s very colloquial
 
分析: “书呆子”在口语当中确实就是叫nerd,但雅思写作属于ACADEMICwriting,用词要学术,太过于口语化的表达不宜使用。
 
Finally, this practice also has negative effect on students’interpersonal contact. For example, a student who is excessively immersed in studies tends to become socially awkward and often ends up having few friends.
 
考官批注:excellent point and clear support
 
Conclusion
To conclude, forced study may help students in improving academic performances. Nevertheless,the only benefit is obviously dwarfed by the problems it may involve. For this reason, I reaffirm my conviction that it is not advisable to force students to study hard too early.
 
考官批注:this is a really good ending
 
分析: 结尾也被点名表扬了,所以argumentation结尾段就像我这样写就可以了!
 
考官总评:
This is a GOOD essay. There are some excellent complex sentences which contain a range of lexis and grammar. However, you tend to repeat some of the key words(forced study, practices, force). 
In addition, you need to give some clear examples in order to make it clear for the reader (practicalskills, practical work)
 
 
Here are the IELTS scores:
 
 
IELTS Marking Criteria My comments Band score
Task Response You wrote about 300 which is on the long side for Task 2. Make sure you manage your time as you will not have much time for Task 1.
Your first paragraph paraphrases the question well and includes your opinion.
You make relevant points but as said above make sure you give examples and possibly include some real life examples.
The conclusion rounds off the essay very effectively. 7.0
Cohesion and coherence There is a clear overall progression in the writing and ideas are arranged coherently. Paragraphs are very well constructed. You use a variety of linkers throughout. Sentences

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